Torn

The room felt like it was collapsing around her. This couldn’t be true. Chloe had said it playfully that day and because of everything else that happened, she had been unable to think about it properly.

What was all these?

Her pulse raced. Her ears rang. She felt dizzy with disbelief. “Rachel… no,” she whispered, shaking her head. “No. No. Rachel… he’s… he’s way older. So much older. Old enough to be your… our… grandfather. And he’s sick, Rach. He’s dying. You can’t—”

Rachel cut her off with a broken whisper. “I know.”

Bella froze, unable to believe this was really happening. What was she supposed to say or do right now? How was she supposed to react knowing that her younger sister was in love with someone that wasn’t just older but was so sick his days could be numbered? Was she supposed to be happy knowing how painful it could be for her sister?

Rachel’s chin trembled as tears rolled silently down her cheeks. “I know all of that,” she said, her voice small and raw. “I know he’s older. I know he’s sick. I know he doesn’t have long. I know everything. But Bella… it doesn’t change anything. I’m in love with him and I can’t help it. No matter how hard I tried to stop myself or tell myself I shouldn’t be loving him, I just see myself longing for him. I went there yesterday and he won’t even see me. He’s trying to keep me away from him and it’s killing me, Bell.”

Bella covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes burning fiercely. She didn’t even know where the tears came from. Shock? Fear? Pain for her sister? Disappointment? All of them? She couldn’t tell. What was she supposed to do or say right now? How could all of this be happening right now?

Rachel tried to sit up again, and this time Bella didn’t stop her. Rachel wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Her pain bubbling over. She’d tried to keep it all in so talking about it now just seemed as though a weight was finally being lifted off her chest.

“I know you’re disappointed,” Rachel whispered. “I can see it on your face. I knew you wouldn’t understand. I’ve been trying to hide it for since I realized what this feeling was. I tried to move on after I got fired. I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening and tried to focus on you and helping you get over your own pain. I tried to ignore mine, thinking it’ll go away but it’s not going away. And no matter what, my heart keeps drifting to him and it’s so painful, Bell.”

“Rachel…” Bella whispered, her voice cracking. “Why? How could this even happen?”

Rachel let out a weak, shaky laugh that sounded sad, hopeless, and defeated. “I don’t know,” she said softly. “I don’t even know when it happened, when it started or how it started. One day he was just my boss… the next, he was the person I cared about more than anything and wanted to do everything to make him smile. And now… now he’s sick and dying and I can’t even be there to go through this phase with him. I can’t help him anymore or even talk to him. I can’t see him. I can’t hold his hand. I can’t say goodbye. I can’t do anything. And it’s killing me, Bell. It’s killing me inside. Do you understand me now?”

Bella’s throat tightened painfully, unable to utter a word.

Rachel continued, voice trembling. “Being away from him… not knowing how he’s feeling today… not knowing if he’s in pain… not knowing if he’s eaten… not knowing if he’s even awake… or if he’s…. dead is tearing me apart. I’m supposed to move on because this kind of love is bad for me, but how? How do I move on from someone I love with all my heart? Tell me, Bell. How?”

Bella opened her mouth, then closed it. She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t breathe. She didn’t even know what to say.

She was torn, heartbroken, confused, scared for her sister, and unsure of what was right anymore. She wanted to protect Rachel. She wanted to stop her from destroying her future. But she also saw the pain in Rachel’s eyes; a pain deeper than anything she had ever seen in her.

Rachel looked at her with tear-filled eyes. “You’re disappointed in me,” she whispered again.

Bella shook her head slowly, stepping back, her own tears streaming. “I… I don’t know what I am,” she whispered honestly. “I don’t know what to think. I don’t know how to feel. Rachel… he’s dying. And you’re young. You have a whole life ahead of you. I don’t… I don’t even know where to put all these feelings right now.”

Rachel lowered her head. “I know,” she whispered. “And I’m sorry. I never planned for any of this. I never wanted this. I never wanted to fall in love with him. But I did. And now, I can’t undo it.”

Bella stepped backward toward the door, unable to handle the storm inside her. “I… I need a moment,” she whispered. “I need to think.”

Rachel nodded weakly, tears still falling but with acceptance in her eyes. “Okay.”

Bella reached the doorway, her heart pounding, her mind spinning.

Jake was probably still outside and now, she’d just realized Rachel was in love with a dying older man.

Her own heart was aching and here was her sister, falling apart.

Her life suddenly twisted in ways she never imagined.

She walked out of the room slowly… asking herself the one question she didn’t know how to answer:

Should she support Rachel’s heart… or protect her future?

The question echoed inside her chest as she pressed her hand against the wall for balance.

And for the first time in a long time, Bella felt completely lost. The last time she’d felt this way was five years ago when Liam had broken her with her mother lying on the hospital bed.

What was she supposed to do now?